Post 5: safe space
November 25, 2023
Today someone apologized for “dumping on me” after talking about their problems. I gave them reassurance that it is ridiculous to apologize for such a thing. It is one of the greatest honors in the world to be someone’s safe space. If a human being can make someone feel accepted and acceptable when they are unapologetically themselves, that’s special, and I thank God that people feel safe enough to confide in me.
Them apologizing (more than once) and thanking me for listening means that at one point, someone made them feel like a burden. Someone made them feel like their words and thoughts and feelings and humanity were un-valuable instead of what they truly are: invaluable.
I’ve been there, we all have. We’ve all found ourselves opening our hearts and minds and being met with nothing. There are smaller, but still significant examples, like telling a story to a group and having to awkwardly taper off because no one is listening—this sucks. And there are other types, like expressing something to your partner or friend only to be ignored, dismissed, or laughed at.
Since this blog is about my healing journey (cringe)…
I was telling a story about a friend who suddenly passed during my freshman year of college. We were at a restaurant, and during the climax of the story, the listener verbally reacted to whatever ball game was on the TV. When confronted about this hurting my feelings, they reprimanded me for being so hard on them for something as small as reacting to a TV. Rest is Paradise, S.C.K.
I had just received a call about a friend passing away in a plane crash, and after the initial shock wore off, I started tearfully telling a story about this person and what an amazing and Christ-driven life they led. The listener intently looked at their phone, and when I reacted to this blatant disrespect, I was assured it was “something important” and asked why I didn’t want them to figure out whatever they were looking at—again, it was important. Rest in Paradise, T.C.A.
I was telling a story about a trip I had taken overseas. The listener physically started walking out the door. But don’t worry, they were leaving to get something for me, and “didn’t I want them to go get it?” They were right, I should’ve been more grateful.
These consistently invalidating reactions paired with the extra invalidation when you express hurt change you. I hesitate to share anything with anyone for fear of being annoying or dismissed.
Side note: I think with some intentional thinking, I can use these negative reactions for good. I can consciously be a more engaged listener. This is a positive. And eventually, because I’m so fortunate with patient people in my life, I’ll be able to share again. I am so thankful for my safe spaces.
Another side note: I need to stop keeping tabs on ways I was previously hurt. I need to forgive. “Files of proof left unattended turn into grudges & resentments that skew our perspectives.”
We all desire to be heard. We should all make a point to be intentional listeners—you never know when it can make or break someone, and you may learn something in the process.
Please know that you are valuable. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable. When people don’t listen, God always listens. He is constant, unchanging, and loves you unconditionally.
whyiscchappy? Good hugs—the real kind, not a wimpy side hug. The real hugs where two faces touch and the squeeze physically says “I am taking a few moments of my life to spend embracing you.” And people like C.A. & T.F.