Post 6: it was great
November 26, 2023
Before today, I don’t remember the last time I said something was great. I mean, a great chocolate chip cookie is an exception. But I’m referring to anything about me…my day, how I’m doing, etc.
Today my mom asked, “How was it!?” Without even thinking, I responded, “It was great!” I could cry — a win! November 26, 2023 goes down in CC history, the day an experience was GREAT.
The spontaneity and authenticity of the response is what’s a big deal to me.
I’ve always been an “It was okay” “It was fine” girly. And while this is totally fine (get it?) it wasn’t received well for the past few years. Thinking something is okay or fine isn’t the problem, the problem is the reaction to these responses that I faced. “It was okay” became an unacceptable response; it was ridiculed. “Why can’t you ever say anything is good?” I was made to feel that negativity had infiltrated my outlook of everything, even though my vernacular never actually changed—and when this is portrayed to you over and over and over again, you start to believe it. I started to wonder why and when I had become such a negative person. I was confused, because I had always been a positive person. What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t find something to be great or good or amazing? I had always said things were “fine”…does that mean I had never been happy? No one had made this a problem before now, was I the problem? Had I been a closeted cynic this entire time?
I’m not sure how to verbalize what I’m trying to say. I think my point is…if you don’t like someone’s response to a question you ask, then either meet them with inquiring compassion and empathy, or shush. When someone is vulnerable in their response to you, it is not your job to make them feel bad or inadequate for the word choice of that response. I will get into this a lot more later, but here’s one example I can’t seem to forgive just yet.
I was visiting one of my favorite city’s in the whole world with someone. When it was time to go after a night out, I wanted to walk back to the hotel (I have motion sickness), while they insisted on taking a cab. I adamantly did not want to do this—motion sickness can be brutal! After bickering for a few minutes, they raised up their hand in one swift motion accompanied by a loud “SHUT UP! Why can’t we ever do what I want to do?” We took the cab. I cried a lot. Many moons later, when referring back to this trip, I recalled this experience with this person; how it was scary and imprinted in my memory in such a heinous way. Their response was along the lines of: That was wrong, but it hurts my feelings that you can’t remember the good from that trip.
It took me a long time to realize how messed up their response was. I thought for a long time that I was unable to see the good. What was wrong with me? When in reality, I am a normal person who was bothered by abuse.
Side note: I am embarrassed to have typed that for a couple of reasons. 1. I am ashamed I stayed in a manipulative situation. 2. I understand abuse is on a spectrum, and while I’m done gaslighting myself into thinking it ‘wasn’t that bad,’ I fully acknowledge how good I had it, comparitavely speaking.
I’m not sure if any of that made any sense, but if you read my “About” section (MAJOR CRINGE * insert sweaty face emoji *), the entire point of this blog is to find myself again. Being constantly invalidated in my responses messed me up on a deep level. I think this constant projection of cynicism paired with invalidation and confusion can be one of the first experiences that causes someone to lose trust in themselves, and I am so grateful to be on my way back. Thank You, Lord.
whyiscchappy? Growth. Today I said something was great, and I wasn’t lying to try to please someone by using that word. Sunsets—they’re the same despite the temperature. Granola. I also started listening to Christmas music today (current fave: I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day — Casting Crowns).