Post 13: you’ll never know why, and that’s okay
December 7, 2023
Whether you’ve come out on the other side of an emotionally abusive relationship or are in the midst, there was/will be a moment of clarity. A moment where you realize that the person you’ve given your heart to does not possess the capacity to care about the pain they put you in. This is a scary and bizarre realization. It’s sad, but it holds a glimmer of liberation. On the other hand, maybe they actually consciously are hurting you. Maybe they actually feel bad but don’t possess the tools to stop sucking. Maybe they don’t feel bad at all. You will probably never know if someone is hurting you on purpose or not, or if their actions are random or thought out.
Ya wanna know what’s so freaking great about healing? You don’t know the answer to any of those questions up there, AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s great! Why? You’re not them! You don’t have to sort through the nitty-gritty of your brain to figure out why you continuously hurt people in such immense ways.
In my opinion, the path to healing you’ll take will be the same no matter your abusers “why.” I think sometimes we want the “why” so we can have a justification. But we don’t need a justification or reason to forgive, or to heal and move forward. And that is awesome.
Here’s one of my few revelation moments where “wow…they just do not get it” punched me right in the face:
Near the end, crying, I told them they ruined my life (obviously this is a bit of an overstatement—my life is complete and GOOD with Jesus, but they did mess me up pretty badly, and at the time, I felt like they had destroyed it). Their response was, “No, I didn’t.” And then later, “I don’t get how I wronged you so bad.”
Now—whether they were saying these things out of complete emotional ignorance, competency issues, or to manipulate me into thinking I was overreacting, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes people don’t possess the emotional capacity to understand their actions can hurt people, and then they genuinely do not care that they hurt people. It’s selfish. It’s mad. And it’s very, very sad for a plethora of reasons.
But, it’s okay to not know why. Don’t let the mystery of the “why” hold you back from freedom in forgiveness.
whyiscchappy? lessons learned.