Post 14: there’s beauty in the ending

December 11, 2023

I wish some phases of life could mimic the lifespan of a Moonpie and last forever. Moonpie’s are resilient. I literally think you could throw one against a wall and not break it, but even if you did it wouldn’t really be broken, because what actually matters at the core (the taste) would not change. I wish some phases of life lasted forever. I wish some things didn’t have to change. Unfortunately, phases of life aren’t indestructible Moonpies, and what we thought would last forever, falls apart. Side note: Moonpies are dairy-free.

I think there are loads of reasons that letting go of someone is hard. There’s the release of the expectation you built with them for the future, which seems like letting go of the road map you have planned out for your life. There’s the chemical part; when someone’s mere presence makes your brain release an unreal amount of dopamine and you realize you laugh with them like you haven’t laughed in a long, long time, making it unbearably painful to emotionally withdrawal from. There’s anxiety that no one else will get you quite like they do. There’s the jealousy aspect, when you realize letting go means moving on and that means they will find someone new. Will that person love them the way they deserve? (note: humble yourself, trust that they will, and it’s okay it’s not you). There’s a release of familiarity, which makes you feel engulfed in barren loneliness. Why does it have to be this way? Grieving is dreaming in reverse.

Letting go (and moving on) is scary. It’s terrifying. I simply do not want to get to know someone again. I don’t want to learn anyone else. Will anyone else understand me as much? Will I ever feel this beautiful again? Can I ever trust someone this much? I don’t want to make new inside jokes. I don’t want someone else to learn how I like to be encouraged or comforted. I don’t want to force a disassociation from all the little things that remind me of them. I don’t want to place my heart on the line and attempt to trust someone only to have it shattered. Is it even worth it? Thoughts like these make me wonder why we are letting go, and if we actually have to.

Then I remember that although this phase is and was and has been incomprehensibly amazing, it isn’t working for a reason. I had the best time falling into love. But, it should be easy, and as much as we will it to be, it’s not. I’ve accepted that we’ve been living on a fault-line, holding it together with all our might despite the fact that in time it will inevitably obliterate us. And we’re finally stepping away from it. And this carries extreme sadness and regret, and it’s honestly just very, very painful. But it also holds a sweet relief. I realize that I don’t have to disassociate from the daily reminders, but I can choose (see Post 4) to see them in a different light—and this realization makes me feel so happy.

It’s okay to embrace the past and look forward to the future; it’s okay to let go of a previous version of someone and cherish them in new ways. It’s the beginning of something new, and it may not be what was desired or expected, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting or good. Letting go can be beautifully liberating. Openly expressing a mutual grief is odd and makes the healing process so healthy and unique, it’s indescribable. If I focus on the affirmation that letting go is the right course of action, I feel so excited for the new normal. It’s a euphoric yet very real feeling to know someone will be in your life for the rest of your life. I’m incredibly thankful in the most honest sense of humanity.

And from a more distant perspective, I think that if the foreseeable forever can seem this good with the wrong person for that stage of life, how incredible will it be with the right person?

Therefore, there’s a small part of me excited for that aspect of the future—for the unknown, for the no expectations, for the opportunity and the freedom. I am excited to meet someone new, to learn their ins and outs and let them see mine. Comparatively, at this moment these hopes are minuscule, but they’re there, and that’s enough. And I know they have these hopes, too. And that makes me happy.

The person you choose daily should feel accepted by you and acceptable to you, just as they are. If you cannot do this (and that’s okay), let them go.

Fate, God’s plan, whatever you believe in, can be so difficult to accept. We’re wired to fix things. We’re wired to make things work. We’re wired to try. It’s hard to accept that sometimes we can’t make things work the way we want them to, despite our greatest efforts. Be comforted in the fact that God is the Defender of our hearts and that everything will work out as it is meant to—we are not supposed to play God or try to change fate—we aren’t supposed to force things to end or to start. We are supposed to surrender, trust, and feel safe in God’s love. And there, we will find true peace and purpose. And it will be easy.

I know my days of screaming, “FUCK THE BIRDS!” Will slowly dissipate and transform into shouting with joy and thanksgiving for such a beautiful time and phase in my life. And I wouldn’t change anything. I would go through all the searing pain and hard lessons tenfold if it meant I had the slightest chance to have this.

Thank God for life’s phases. Thank God for change and lessons and growth. Thank God for the people in my life who make me better. Thank God for those who make me feel worthy.

whyiscchappy? Lime scooters. Guinness. Stella Artois. M.S.L. The beauty in the ending…and feelings. I’ve recently had the revelation that some people do not have the emotional capacity to feel things. And although feeling such an intense and raw spectrum of emotions is overwhelming and outright sad, it’s amazing, too. I am blessed to feel all the things. And I’m even more fortunate to have someone to feel them with.